Sunday, December 31, 2006

aTj ..alt.tasteless.jokes.. Magazine

aTj Magazine is a privately published bi-monthly magazine available only through eBay. The magazine is a best-of-the-best compilation of posts (some edited down for brevity), jokes, flames (from alt.tasteless.jokes and a handful of other Usenet groups), replies/conversations, puns, riddles, threats, political musings, religious discussions, and blog posts. aTj also tracks top comedian concert tours on five continents, has Top 5, 10, and 20 lists for whatever the hell we decide, comedy club reviews, up-and-coming comedians to watch, high profile Hip Hop and R&B commentary/concerts/and CD collections, Usenet/Internet sekrets and some other nifty crap that will most likely amuse you. It is compiled, edited, and distributed exclusively through ÑðS--MÐ and available in single issues ($7.99+s/h, or $10.00+s/h for back issues), or subscription form ($49.99/yr, pre-paid, 6 issues, shipping included). Search for "aTj magazine" on eBay to purchase an issue or subscribe. aTj Magazine is controversial, unpredictable, and definitely "underground" humor. The best thing about aTj Magazine is, of course, your ability to contribute to it. How? By posting something (anything) on Usenet's alt.tasteless.jokes or this blog. Does posting something guarantee a spot in the magazine? ..by no stretch of the imagination. What you post must be funny, sarcastic, outrageously politically incorrect, imaginative, original, or world changing. I'm picky, and the only shit that gets filtered into aTj is the good shit.



My suggestion (if you want to even be remotely considered for placement into aTj Magazine) is that you first "lurk" in alt.tasteless.jokes, which means that you will have to find alt.tasteless.jokes on Usenet, which also means you will have to learn how to access Usenet to see posts. (A quicker route into aTj Magazine might be a post or reply to this blog, but most people who know about the blog are current Usenet posters.) If you don't already know, Usenet is the world's largest electronic bulletin board. There are approximately 100,000 "groups" on Usenet, about 3 or 4 thousand of which get posted to and read on a regular basis. Most of the groups that get posted to and read from are the "text" groups. The "binary/mp3" groups are the ones where people go to upload/download music, videos, and pictures of just about anything you can imagine. Because you can access Usenet anonymously (if you know how), it is the safest place in the world to download and share mp3 files. Alt.tasteless.jokes is by far the largest humor/jokes group and shares a unique relationship with the second largest, rec.humor. Alt.tasteless.jokes (atj) alone had over 82,000 posts in 2003, and rec.humor had over 42,000. Rec.humor is atj's "girl next door", a group of funny but benign individuals bent on puns and silly humor, with the occasional crass remark. Rec.humor has been atj's bitch for decades, and together, they represent the most formidable arsenal of just about any type of humor in existence.



Usenet basics: The easiest way to access Usenet, initially, is through Google. You can set up a free "posting" account so you can post your own messages into the various groups. If you go to Google and then click the top link that says "groups", you'll go into a 'group search mode'. Simply type in "alt.tasteless.jokes" and hit 'Search'. The page you pull up will be a list of the main "threads" replied to or started that day. Next to the thread name, in parentheses, is the number of "articles" (replies) in that thread. A "thread" is simply the 'subject' of the original post. For example, look for the thread "
The greatest man ever". You can see that this thread has had over 27,000 replies. Maybe a dozen or so of those replies even referenced the topic of 'the greatest man ever', mainly because people don't give a shit about the subject of a thread. When did all of these replies take place? ..actually, "The greatest man ever" is one of the most frequently replied-to threads in Usenet history. Why? Because the thread will simply not go away. A non-replied-to thread is a dead thread, but there are sometimes hundreds of replies to "The greatest man ever" in just one day.. it all depends on what is written (and who it is "directed" to). I use "directed" to, as opposed to "written" to, because when you or anyone else replies to a post, that reply has been 'written' to everyone. How many people read (lurk) in alt.tasteless.jokes? ..between 6 and 7 hundred thousand on most days, and sometimes over a million people, worldwide. You can start a new thread whenever you like by posting a new subject or an original joke. Original jokes will normally not be replied to, save for the occasional "flame" from regular posters, but they will probably be read by hundreds of thousands of people from about 30 or 40 different countries.

Now Google only gives you the outer shell of Usenet's text groups. In order to see the core of Usenet, and the funniest, most controversial posters in alt.tasteless.jokes, you must access it through a different means. The easiest method is through a Newsreader (the easiest being Outlook Express, already set up on your computer), and your current ISP. Your ISP should have Usenet (newsgroup) access. To access, ..simple instructions:



1. Go to your 'Start Menu'
2. Select 'Programs'
3. Select 'Outlook Express' (you may get a Wizard at this point ..follow the setup routine)
4. Select 'Tools' from upper toolbar
5. Select 'Accounts' from the drop-down box
6. Select the 'News' folder tab from the top
7. Select the 'Add' button on the right
8. Type in your 'Display Name' (the name that will appear on all of your posts)
9. Select 'Next'
10.Type in an E-Mail address (you should fudge it or include a NOSPAM.. e.g. jsmithNOSPAM@hotmail.com)
11. Select 'Next'
12. Type in your NNTP (generally 'news."your ISP".com' ..e.g. news.earthlink.com) -NOTE: AOL and MSN are hard to set up newsgroup access with. It would be best, if you are with either of them, to set up news via a news provider. The easiest and cheapest is a Supernews (www.supernews.com) account for $4.95/mo of 1.5GB 'Text Only' access. If you want to download mp3s or see binaries (pictures), you'll have to cough up an extra buck for 3GBs of monthly access.
13. Select 'Next'
14. Select 'Finish'
15. Select 'Close'
16. Message "Would you like to download newsgroups from the news account you added?" -Select 'YES'
17. When list appears, scroll down to 'alt.tasteless.jokes' and then Select 'Subscribe'.
18. Select 'OK' (not 'Go To'.. unless you want to download every "header" in the group's recent history)
19. Select 'Tools' from upper toolbar
20. Select 'Options'
21. Select the 'Read' tab at the top
22. Checkmark the 'Get ___ headers at a time' and put '500' in as the number (you don't need more than this).
23. Checkmark 'Automatically expand grouped messages' & 'Automatically download message when..etc..'
24. Checkmark 'Read all messages in plain text' and then Select 'Apply'.
25. Select 'OK'
26. Select 'Tools' from upper toolbar
27. Select 'Synchronize Newsgroup'.. NOT 'Synchronize All'
28. Checkmark 'Get the following items:' ..and then check the 'New messages only' box
29. Select 'OK'
30. BINGO! ..there's the latest 500 messages from alt.tasteless.jokes


Now.. start reading. You'll notice there are essentially three different types of posters. The first types are those that post jokes and rarely if ever reply to other people's posts (e.g. KenFuny and wEb GoDdEsS). The second are those that mainly post jokes but will reply (sometimes only to certain individuals) on a regular basis (e.g. GP of ATJ). The third are those that do nothing but reply to other posters and rarely post a 'joke'. Believe it or not, this is where you're going to find the funniest, most controversial, etc.. material. You can easily tell if a post is a 'reply' by the way the subject starts. If it starts with 'Re:', it's a reply to a previous post. The posts that do not begin with 'Re:' are most likely the "original" jokes. I say 'most likely' because the post may be some political or other random statement that isn't necessarily funny, and I put 'original' in quotes because some posters tend to post recycled jokes over and over. When you first get started with atj (alt.tasteless.jokes), everything will seem new, so don't worry about that.

The regular posters (those who mainly just reply) fall into two major categories.. those that read and reply almost exclusively from atj (e.g. ÑðS--MÐ, Mel, ur_droll, Keith E., Douglas D. Anderson, Vanilla Gorilla), and those that read from another group (mainly rec.humor), but end up replying to a lot of atj posts (Larry Krzewinski, Greg Evans, Mos, nemo, Alan, Tim Bruening, Elizabeth Muller). Most of the others are "crossposting" in from other groups such as alt.atheism, alt.support.na, etc.. Crossposting is when you post to more than one group at a time. Most people generally read from one particular group and will reply to whatever groups happen to be 'crossposted' into a message, so for the most part, these people are just replying to threads/messages that were originally crossposted some time ago.

OK.. what are the guidelines to ensure your placement into aTj Magazine? Here's one: develop a sense of humor. When you first post to atj, you will not know what to expect unless you read a bunch of posts beforehand and see how people respond. Some initial advice.. you may be flamed or ignored, at first. Don't let it bother you. As you continue to reply to posts, you will get noticed. Maybe you won't get noticed by the regular posters right away, but eventually someone will reply to you. If it happens to be someone like Mel or ur_droll, they will probably be mocking and testing you. Ur_droll may decide to flame (criticize) you, Douglas D. Anderson might decide to write an entire paragraph or two based on an issue that you just raised, or any number of people could jump in and completely twist your post into something entirely different. Whatever happens happens.. you have no control. All you can do is respond to what was posted. Should someone like Keith E., Larry Krzewinski, Greg Evans, or Mos reply, then they will kind of 'help you along' with the humor thing by adding something to your post that will make it humorous. The idea is to twist it slightly and keep it humorous.

If you post anything political or religous, expect to get flamed. Expect to get flamed anyway, period. If you don't expect it then, when it happens, you'll just be annoyed and will probably start to whine and moan. Whiners and moaners have no place in atj, and if Mel or ur_droll can't run them out.. I will. The last thing you could possibly want to happen to you on this little planet of ours is to be attacked by me. I'll sift your mind into nothingness and you will leave with your tail tucked firmly between your legs. As long as you are not a complete moron, don't regularly post stupid shit, or don't flame well (with a discernable sense of humor), I'll leave you alone. You may get flamed by others, but most of them won't try to mind fuck you. As long as you don't bore anyone, you can attack me as much as you like, in fact, I encourage it. I'll only flame you back to the degree I think you can handle it. Usually I'll only "attack" (different than flaming) if I feel like your total contribution to the group amounts to nothing more than a pile of humorless fly shit.

That said.. enjoy your atj experience ..it's addicting, I'll warn you out of the gate.. but nothing can be so rewarding as being continually stabbed in the back while posting outrageous, off-the-wall shit with no 'politically correct' boundries and no consequences (until you piss me off). If you want to get on my good side right away, post some anti-Bush 9/11 conspiracy shit that supports the reasons why the United States should systematically be wiped out by the wrath of God. All replies welcome..

Saturday, December 30, 2006

The Official ATJ FAQ

Originally published: Monday, January 05 2004

Updated: Wednesday, September 29 2004

Authors: ÑðS--MÐ (w/a few tidbits by Mel)

**What is ATJ?**

~ A highly warped discussion group littered with jokes in very poor taste, often recycled countless endless times. Do not expect yourself or your ideas to be treated with respect. Do not whine or complain when you are insulted. The nature of humor in this group is dark, black humor in the worst possible taste - nothing is held sacred or respected. For example, on 9.11 jokes about that event were already being posted the same day. If you don't approve of this, rather stay away. We don't care about your personal sensibilities, your religion, your nationality, your political affiliation, which terrorist organization has your support or your personal tragedies. We won't go easy on you for any reason whatsoever.

**When was ATJ started?**

~
On October 5, 1992.. an Alaskan, Eric J. Olson put up the very first post - a crosspost that carried on a discussion from alt.config.

The next post was a flame, thus setting the true nature of this forum.

**What may be posted here?**

~ Replies to discussion threads, flames, and jokes of the tasteless variety. In short, anything you like!
However, please note that your ISP may choose to enforce certain posting rules, such rejecting posts which contain binary attachments. They may also place other restrictions on you, such as not allowing copyrighted material to be infringed by publicly posting it without credit. ISPs and news server service providers all have their own ideas of what you should or should not be allowed to post. Most will adopt a helpful attitude towards you if you respond politely to their warnings. Some will not. If you do have problems with one lot, realize that their are plenty of other providers out there who will be happy to take your money. If anybody does complain to your ISP about your posts, you may wish to slit your throat.

**When was the first tasteless joke posted in ATJ?**

~
On October 7, 1992, Alex Howerton, interrupting a flame-war, whined about where all of the jokes were, posted a recycled joke, laughed at it himself, then pleaded for more lame, worn-out jokes to be posted, and was flamed in the next post.

**Who are the current regular posters?**

ÑðS--MÐ - the master (aka - Max)
http://nosmd.blogspot.com/



wEb GoDdEsS - Max's bitch


Keith E. - one of the veteran 'ATJers', Keith is a gentle soul, quick witted, and can flame with the best of them when provoked. Generally, he'll find the benign way to put things in a style that's hard to match. Keith will only leave ATJ in a box. Donations welcome.


Vanilla Gorilla - another veteran, VG swings through when he likes and consistently amuses, while crapping on the redundant. Will "smoke yer joint" for bananas. Easy to please and very meek in nature. VG is the webmaster of http://www.squickeningwatch.org - but will you get the joke?


Ærchie - Australian


Douglas D. Anderson - ATJ's 'unabridged encyclopedia of world knowledge' will explain in excruciating detail any concept your mind can imagine and point out precisely every area in which you are wrong.


Mos - College student of unknown racial origin. Clown of ATJ. 17yo. (Joined our ranks - Jan 08 2004)


Mel - your humble web servant and Queen of ATJ.


Ur_droll - a kiwi


PollyWolly - Indian kiwi


**Who are the regular cross-posters?**

Elisabeth Müller - (rec.humor reg), her subtlety, dry humor, and playful disposition are well respected by both groups. Has ongoing threads with Keith E. from time immemorial.


Larry Krzewinski - (rec.humor reg), and one of the most consistently funny posters in both forums.


Greg Evans - (rec.humor reg), see "Larry Krzewinski", but will flame if he's having a bad day..


**Who are some of the of the ex-regular posters?**

Kashia - Kashia is the B&D goddess of our known universe. If ya can't handle 12,000 volts through yer nipples while suspended from the ceiling by yer nutz then don't flirt with her.


Jule§ - see 'Terminator 3'.


CheechWizard - ATJ's travel agent.. if you wanna know the _truth_ about any country in the world, Cheech will gladly supply it if you show him how to convert .bmp to .txt.

The Yeti - one of the first regs of the ex-crop, the Yeti is Canada's entire military.

Spitfire - a realist and relentless poster, Spitfire would disassemble your 'life', dissect it, then toss it in the dumpster when he's wasn't fighting for truth, feigned justice, and the Democratic way. His last post in ATJ was June 5, 2003. He re-emerged in alt.impeach.bush in October of 2003, having abandoned ATJ completely.


ink - a Swiss battering ram, ink occasionally pops in to liven things up.


Lik Mai Sak - half lizard/half shark, 'Anil Vayper' randomly mutilates his unsuspecting targets and then disappears into the murky depths.

lab~rat - extinguishing racism across the globe.


vampeleon - driving a stake through his heart merely annoys him.


Cowboy Blob - briefly popping in and out with some amusing quips, CB is the U.S. strategist for the upcoming nuclear strike on North Korea.


Mi MM ke - extinguishing 'gay rights' across the globe


Troppigal - will carve out yer heart and place lovingly in a jar.

Chairman - eager to help with tech/software questions.

Jen - from 1999 to 2000. A quote: "What exactly would you do without us to model the blow up dolls after".

bd -
'99-'00 w/the sig "Send lawyers, guns, and money, the shit has hit the fan". A convincing argument that Bill Gates is the Antichrist

RamSyS - '00-'02

Knopgat - '99-'02

Omar - '00-'02

Loz - '98-'02

Keith Martin 1998 "Due to the controversy stirred up by Clinton's alliances, some protestant churches have added an Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not bury thy rod in thy staff." KM

Wiccan Warrior 1998 "Will you all pipe down already? I'm trying to jack off to Ken Starr's report here...."

**Who are the morons?**

Eric C Stender - Moron Extraordinaire


Mr FBI, Cerberus, - the shitpacking limey responsible for most of the recycled 'jokes'

GP of ATJ - a dedicated Mel basher, GP is the placenta of a SARS infested mad cow that regurgitates 'faggot' into redundancy

Leigh - half whale/half planet, this krill eating behemoth is largely responsible for the shift in Earth's weather patterns and is considered by scientists to be the largest organic mass in existence.

**Who are some of the 'newbies'?**

~ Newbies don't rate a mention. Stick around for a month or more and maybe we will take notice of you.

**Anything else?**

~ Good luck..

Saturday, October 30, 2004

Letters to the Editor

Letters to aTj:

Dear aTj,

Is your magazine an attempt to undermine the
credibilty of President Bush?

Matt Johnson

-that would suggest that Bush,

in some remote sense, is credible

********

Dear aTj,

I saw your blog and must say that the idea is
palatable, but how long do you think you'll be able
to keep this thing going?

Mark Cutter

-
until flying pigs have a snowball fight
with pink elephants, in a frozen hell

********

Dear aTj,

My 'ex' went to the clinic without my permission and
got an abortion yesterday. I'm sitting here in
absolute shock and can think of nothing other than
stringing her up from the highest tree. She was
already in the third trimester and was in fact only
a few weeks away. Is that even legal?

Steve Callahan

-
there's a right way and a wrong to handle this..
though stringing her up sounds viable, you could
potentially get rope burn, and she's hardly worth that
much suffering. Better still.. fish out a dead
fetus from an abortion clinic dumpster and dress it
up in a cute little outfit. Get a cheap baby
carrier from Goodwill, a rattle, stuffed bunny
rabbit, etc.. then leave the baby carrier with the
aborted fetus and all the little toys on her front
step, right before she goes to work in the morning.
Pin a note on the baby that says; "Thank you for
taking care of me and providing me the chance to
experience life to the fullest. Thank you for all
the wonderful toys, the priceless memories, your
patience when I was naughty, and your loving
kindness when I was upset. You are the best
mommy anyone could ever have. All my love, your
daughter."


..if she puts a bullet between her eyes, you know the note was effective

********

Dear aTj,

You are a sadistic, morally reprehensible, gloating,
egotistical, maniacal, facist, elitist publication.
May a thousand elephants fart in your direction.

Wanda Brinkle

-you left out self-validating

********

Dear aTj,

What's your take on the U.S. economy?

Fred Kipe

-I'd settle for Somalia's

********

Dear aTj,

My wife left me for a bank president the other day.
What the hell is this world coming to?

Paul Stevenson

Not a problem - carefully glue 10 $20 bills in a roughly 8"x11" sheet and run them through a CanonXL 2300 color copier at the highest resolution, making a total of 500 double-sided copies. Take the $100,000, place in a plastic bag, bludgeon repeatedly with a sledgehammer, lightly spray with an even mist of Hydrogen Peroxide, and run them through a dryer set at permanent press for approximately 10 minutes. Bundle the laundered bills and place them into a bank deposit bag. Place the bag under the banker's desk so only the banker will be able to see it. Make sure you load the deposit bag with a little crack cocaine at the bottom, and a copy of the Anarchist's Cookbook, with detailed plans about making a nuclear "dirty bomb" neatly folded and placed inside the book, along with a few names of some of the FBI's most wanted terrorists and their fudged contact information. After about 15 minutes, call the police and say you overheard (banker's name) talking about some counterfeit operation you couldn't pick out the details of, and witnessed him placing a suspicious looking deposit bag under his desk ..then call your wife in a few days and see if she'd like to have dinner.

********

Dear aTj,

My pet hamster, Puddles, has been ignoring his
feeder lately and just sits in the corner of his
cage breathing heavy. Puddles has been in our
family for almost two years, and my six year old
daughter plays with him every day, rocking him
gently in her arms while tickling his tummy. The
loss would be devastating to her. Do you think
there's a way to save Puddles?

Gertrude Simpson

-this is an opportunity to teach your daughter about the cycle of life. Purchase a 15ft Python and starve it for a few weeks, making sure it has plenty of water. Then, with your daughter present, place Puddles in the Python's cage and explain to her that, without food, the Python would probably die. In the background, play Elton John's "Circle ofLife", and just before Puddle's eyes pop out of his head, your daughter should understand that, through his death, Puddles has served a higher purpose in maintaining the balance of nature.

********

Dear aTj,

You've heard all those scams about how to make a
buck, and I was just wondering if you knew of a
way to secure a second income without MLM, vending
machines, or assembling macaroni necklaces at home.

George Stephanoplis

-go to your local gun shop and ask to look at acrossbow. Load the bow with an arrow and shoot the owner in the head. Grab a Glock, plenty of bullets, and head to the nearest military base in the middle of the night. Shoot the guards and make off with an M1 Abrams Tank, an M-60 and a flamethrower. Make your way to the nearest bank and drive the tank right into the lobby. Lower the 120mm cannon to aim at the main lever on the bank vault. Fire as many shots as it takes to open the vault (generally, a well lined up barrel will open the vault with one shot). Load money into tank and repeat with the next closest bank, driving over any police vehicles that get in your way. Use the Glock to clear any stray officers that attempt to interfere while you're outside of the tank collecting your money. After about 3 or 4 banks (when it's getting close to daybreak), drive the tank over a sewer grate and come to a stop so the grate is under the lower escape hatch of the tank. Open the hatch, pry open the sewer grate,and drop the lawn bags full of money into the sewer below (making sure they're securely tied to keep out the moisture). Replace the grate and grab the M-60. In one swift motion, open the top hatch of the tank and quickly spray every witness, policeman, and any other innocent bystanders until you see nothing moving. Continue on towards the next bank. By the time you get there, the bank's first customers should be lining up inside the lobby. Drive the tank straight into the lobby taking out as many customers and bank employees as possible. Continue driving around the outer perimeter of the lobby taking out all of the security cameras, but be sure to leave a few people alive. When the cameras are gone, hop out of the tank and quickly select the scrubbiest looking guy you can find ..this is your scapegoat. Take the flamethrower and torch everyone else, leaving your scapegoat unharmed. Ditch the flamethrower, grab the M-60 and and shoot wildly into the air, screaming at the top of your lungs. Throw the M-60 to the scapegoat and run outside screaming "He's a madman! He killed everyone!", and then slip past all the police, FBI, and military personnel as they continue to assess the situation. Walk away from the scene and go to the sewer grate to collect your money


..or you can sell your DVD collection on eBay.