Saturday, October 30, 2004

Letters to the Editor

Letters to aTj:

Dear aTj,

Is your magazine an attempt to undermine the
credibilty of President Bush?

Matt Johnson

-that would suggest that Bush,

in some remote sense, is credible

********

Dear aTj,

I saw your blog and must say that the idea is
palatable, but how long do you think you'll be able
to keep this thing going?

Mark Cutter

-
until flying pigs have a snowball fight
with pink elephants, in a frozen hell

********

Dear aTj,

My 'ex' went to the clinic without my permission and
got an abortion yesterday. I'm sitting here in
absolute shock and can think of nothing other than
stringing her up from the highest tree. She was
already in the third trimester and was in fact only
a few weeks away. Is that even legal?

Steve Callahan

-
there's a right way and a wrong to handle this..
though stringing her up sounds viable, you could
potentially get rope burn, and she's hardly worth that
much suffering. Better still.. fish out a dead
fetus from an abortion clinic dumpster and dress it
up in a cute little outfit. Get a cheap baby
carrier from Goodwill, a rattle, stuffed bunny
rabbit, etc.. then leave the baby carrier with the
aborted fetus and all the little toys on her front
step, right before she goes to work in the morning.
Pin a note on the baby that says; "Thank you for
taking care of me and providing me the chance to
experience life to the fullest. Thank you for all
the wonderful toys, the priceless memories, your
patience when I was naughty, and your loving
kindness when I was upset. You are the best
mommy anyone could ever have. All my love, your
daughter."


..if she puts a bullet between her eyes, you know the note was effective

********

Dear aTj,

You are a sadistic, morally reprehensible, gloating,
egotistical, maniacal, facist, elitist publication.
May a thousand elephants fart in your direction.

Wanda Brinkle

-you left out self-validating

********

Dear aTj,

What's your take on the U.S. economy?

Fred Kipe

-I'd settle for Somalia's

********

Dear aTj,

My wife left me for a bank president the other day.
What the hell is this world coming to?

Paul Stevenson

Not a problem - carefully glue 10 $20 bills in a roughly 8"x11" sheet and run them through a CanonXL 2300 color copier at the highest resolution, making a total of 500 double-sided copies. Take the $100,000, place in a plastic bag, bludgeon repeatedly with a sledgehammer, lightly spray with an even mist of Hydrogen Peroxide, and run them through a dryer set at permanent press for approximately 10 minutes. Bundle the laundered bills and place them into a bank deposit bag. Place the bag under the banker's desk so only the banker will be able to see it. Make sure you load the deposit bag with a little crack cocaine at the bottom, and a copy of the Anarchist's Cookbook, with detailed plans about making a nuclear "dirty bomb" neatly folded and placed inside the book, along with a few names of some of the FBI's most wanted terrorists and their fudged contact information. After about 15 minutes, call the police and say you overheard (banker's name) talking about some counterfeit operation you couldn't pick out the details of, and witnessed him placing a suspicious looking deposit bag under his desk ..then call your wife in a few days and see if she'd like to have dinner.

********

Dear aTj,

My pet hamster, Puddles, has been ignoring his
feeder lately and just sits in the corner of his
cage breathing heavy. Puddles has been in our
family for almost two years, and my six year old
daughter plays with him every day, rocking him
gently in her arms while tickling his tummy. The
loss would be devastating to her. Do you think
there's a way to save Puddles?

Gertrude Simpson

-this is an opportunity to teach your daughter about the cycle of life. Purchase a 15ft Python and starve it for a few weeks, making sure it has plenty of water. Then, with your daughter present, place Puddles in the Python's cage and explain to her that, without food, the Python would probably die. In the background, play Elton John's "Circle ofLife", and just before Puddle's eyes pop out of his head, your daughter should understand that, through his death, Puddles has served a higher purpose in maintaining the balance of nature.

********

Dear aTj,

You've heard all those scams about how to make a
buck, and I was just wondering if you knew of a
way to secure a second income without MLM, vending
machines, or assembling macaroni necklaces at home.

George Stephanoplis

-go to your local gun shop and ask to look at acrossbow. Load the bow with an arrow and shoot the owner in the head. Grab a Glock, plenty of bullets, and head to the nearest military base in the middle of the night. Shoot the guards and make off with an M1 Abrams Tank, an M-60 and a flamethrower. Make your way to the nearest bank and drive the tank right into the lobby. Lower the 120mm cannon to aim at the main lever on the bank vault. Fire as many shots as it takes to open the vault (generally, a well lined up barrel will open the vault with one shot). Load money into tank and repeat with the next closest bank, driving over any police vehicles that get in your way. Use the Glock to clear any stray officers that attempt to interfere while you're outside of the tank collecting your money. After about 3 or 4 banks (when it's getting close to daybreak), drive the tank over a sewer grate and come to a stop so the grate is under the lower escape hatch of the tank. Open the hatch, pry open the sewer grate,and drop the lawn bags full of money into the sewer below (making sure they're securely tied to keep out the moisture). Replace the grate and grab the M-60. In one swift motion, open the top hatch of the tank and quickly spray every witness, policeman, and any other innocent bystanders until you see nothing moving. Continue on towards the next bank. By the time you get there, the bank's first customers should be lining up inside the lobby. Drive the tank straight into the lobby taking out as many customers and bank employees as possible. Continue driving around the outer perimeter of the lobby taking out all of the security cameras, but be sure to leave a few people alive. When the cameras are gone, hop out of the tank and quickly select the scrubbiest looking guy you can find ..this is your scapegoat. Take the flamethrower and torch everyone else, leaving your scapegoat unharmed. Ditch the flamethrower, grab the M-60 and and shoot wildly into the air, screaming at the top of your lungs. Throw the M-60 to the scapegoat and run outside screaming "He's a madman! He killed everyone!", and then slip past all the police, FBI, and military personnel as they continue to assess the situation. Walk away from the scene and go to the sewer grate to collect your money


..or you can sell your DVD collection on eBay.




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